Monday, April 28, 2014

grace for the moment

* I wrote this several weeks ago but waited to post for several reasons. I felt like I needed to wait to post to check the motivation of my heart and be sure that I was prepared for what sharing our struggles in such a public way can entail. After lots of prayer and discussion with my sweet husband, here goes. God, our story isn't ours to share or bear alone. Use me and the story you are writing in our lives for Your glory.* 

I created this blog several months ago with the intention of writing when and about whatever God gave me in my moments with Him. I titled it grace for the moment, believing that He is my sustainer and redeemer no matter what the moments feel like, and that He will provide me the grace I need in each moment of this life on earth. I can believe this, even when moments are hard, because the truth of his word doesn't change even though my circumstances always do. His word tells me " For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace" ( John 1:16). Because of this, I can trust, and so can you, that though life doesn't always make sense on earth, God's grace is perfect and enough. Always.

I obviously didn't do any writing after first creating this little guy. I found out a few days later that we were expecting our first sweet little one and my mind got slightly preoccupied. On February 4th, our hearts changed forever as we began planning for our first baby to join our little family.  We had prayed for a baby, and our sweet God was so faithful in giving us one. We picked out names, family bought gifts, and friends celebrated with us over the joy in our hearts and the fullness of God's grace in granting us our sweet child.

We went to our 6 week appointment and saw our tiny one's heartbeat on the screen- a tiny flicker declaring life and life abundantly that our God alone had the power to create. We went back a few weeks later and saw our baby growing a tiny little body, and again, a little flickering heart that stole every piece of ours. On April 4th, we went in for our twelve week appointment- the end of the first trimester. I was overjoyed at the thought of not being so sick and being able to enjoy the next part of planning for our precious baby to be born. On that day though, the plan that was being created every moment in our hearts was no more. That day, we found out that our little baby, our firstborn, the child we prayed for, no longer had a little beating heart. We had miscarried.

For 3 months, I carried our baby, the baby I will never carry in my arms here on  this earth. For 3 months, I was crazy sick, looking at cribs and baby toys,  and planning our family's future in my head and heart. For 3 months I was mommy to our baby whose presence was growing in my body and heart. And then, our baby died. That tiny heart we saw flickering stopped beating and our baby went to be with sweet Jesus instead of ever making an entrance on this earth.  Our baby is healed, whole, perfectly glorified in Heaven with our creator who knew well what He was doing when creating our tiny one. Though there are a million things we don't understand right now, we know the word of God is true whether it feels like it is or not. We believe that what is written in the Psalms is good and real.
"For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:13-16

By God's grace, I can believe that God knit our baby together, in my womb, and did so wonderfully. I believe that our tiny one's frame was not hidden, but rather, so intricately woven together by the same one who created the heavens and earth. I believe that though I don't understand why our tiny one's days were so short, God numbered them and knows better than I do what is good and perfect for our angel baby. 

Each moment is different right now, and I suspect it will be that way for a while. Anger, doubt, confusion, hurt, fear, sadness- they are all present in my heart some days. But in those moments of intense pain and questioning, God is giving me grace for every moment. Grace to know, He's not too big to wrestle with and hear my heart crying out . Grace to know, He's good even when I don't think He is. Grace to know that He is enough for me, whatever our future holds. Grace to know He is the most real source of comfort and peace I will ever feel. Grace for the moment.